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anyway, i just got into a huge fight with my mom over what i perceive to be a very small issue. of course i think it's small cuz it was instigated by me, and also explains why its SUCH A HUGE DEAL to my mom. ugh.
anyway as dramatic as i maybe, i think my mom really wins it in that regard. from one point to the next she can accuse me of a completely shady character and murder if she can. i mean of course i try to consider her point of view to determine if what she's saying is valid. however, i always end up at the same conclusion. i'm not perfect and if she spends half an hour screaming about my worst characteristics she can make me sound like a serial killer. well done.
i also have trouble relating to her holier than thou mentality. that's not to say that she is a hypocrite, but her attempt to map out my fate and future for me (of course in the darkest words possible) like she knows better just pisses me off. again, no one is perfect and we compensate for our weaknesses and we learn how to change and how to compensate better, it's is not for her to just yap away like that. i have a disdain for callous remarks. of course, she is frustrated to no end when i dish out my rational arguments (she thinks there are considerations to be made beyond rationality) and lets just say we're better off without talking for the rest of the day.
she is always very emotional in arguments and i get it, she's really given it her all to make me who i am, and when i hurt her, it disappoints her, but emotionally driven conversation without any regard for rationality puts me in a position where ANYTHING i say can be interpreted against my favour. which anyone can guess to be immensely exasperating for me.
i understand that this account is very one-sided with no censure of myself... but i know and acknowledge when i've done wrong. and i can pin point the trigger of this situation, so i'm not without fault. it's just what follows after that. i get to sometimes be the victim because the following discourse is completely ALL HER. any attempt on my part to better the situation or clarify the situation falls on deaf ears.
of course the fool proof solution to all this is for me to watch my tongue at all times. and needless to say there is a fundamental problem when i piss her off and i should consider changing myself. however, its too much of an investment to actually eliminate the characteristic (i don't want to say publicly what it is) from my personality. it is very fundamental to who i am, it is somewhat the basis of my survival (in the fighting and persevering sense). so i guess the only solution is for me to be more understanding. ahh, but the thing is, i already respect my mum immensely, it is unrealistic for me to always be supportive and understanding.
whatever, it is not the first time we've been through an argument, hardly. so i've thought enough about this and can confidently say i regret having said what i said which trigerred everything that followed. moving on...